Grizzled, obscenely tanned layabout who “works” (trans: chills) on the grounds of Rita’s-by-the-Sea, the coastal California outpost of Rita’s Fern Bar, located somewhere between Cayucos and heaven. An elusive character prone to long spells of disappearance, Bertie most closely resembles fern-era notables and crooning partners Kenny Loggins and Jim Messina (seen above). Tends to sport lived-in, nautical-striped t-shirts, ripped jean shorts and slip-on Vans as he completes random tasks in the boat shed located approximately 150 meters from Rita’s-by-the-Sea. Often seen puttering behind the bar at both Rita’s locales searching for an open bottle of wine. Smokes copious amounts of marijuana, a never-ending supply often found dangling from a half-used joint between his chapped lips. Prone to exclamations like “Fuck, I can’t remember where I left my keys/wallet/phone/sunglasses!”, “What was I saying again?” and “That’s not apple juice!” Commonly seen snacking on gummi worms and/or tamari trail mix. Prone to bouts of crankiness and heat exhaustion.